you have to stop for it to stop

It's insane, the loops my brain plays. Oh, tomorrow's a new day, always tomorrow, you can do it tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.

There will never be a tomorrow. Only today. And I have to let that sink in and be true, and tell myself that if I want it to be different, it is my job. It won't just automatically be different, like I'm just going to wake up in the morning different, all changed overnight, and I won't have to do anything hard. I can just coast along running from my life and suddenly I'll be a yogi and happy and fulfilled and not drinking as much as I can get away with and hiding from everyone in my goddamn life.

I hide from everything hard in my life. It's wired into me I think by Baptist, conservative we-don't-talk-about-shameful-things parents that if you just ignore something long enough it will go away. But it never really does, does it? It's so stupid, here I am 39 years old and just admitting to myself that that's true.

Here's hoping tomorrow becomes today. I would really like that. I want that to be true. I want to be free of this shit but I'm so scared I never will be.