you have to stop for it to stop

It's insane, the loops my brain plays. Oh, tomorrow's a new day, always tomorrow, you can do it tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.

There will never be a tomorrow. Only today. And I have to let that sink in and be true, and tell myself that if I want it to be different, it is my job. It won't just automatically be different, like I'm just going to wake up in the morning different, all changed overnight, and I won't have to do anything hard. I can just coast along running from my life and suddenly I'll be a yogi and happy and fulfilled and not drinking as much as I can get away with and hiding from everyone in my goddamn life.

I hide from everything hard in my life. It's wired into me I think by Baptist, conservative we-don't-talk-about-shameful-things parents that if you just ignore something long enough it will go away. But it never really does, does it? It's so stupid, here I am 39 years old and just admitting to myself that that's true.

Here's hoping tomorrow becomes today. I would really like that. I want that to be true. I want to be free of this shit but I'm so scared I never will be.

Day 2, again

I am starting this to try to document my journey away from alcohol as the master of my life. I am terrified, and I'm not successful yet, but I'm ready to try.

It's funny, looking back at my history with alcohol. I didn't really start to drink until I was in my twenties, but once I started, it was on. And for years now, I'm not sure how many, I've wanted to quit and wanted to quit and yet every day it's the same damn thing. I've known for a long time I didn't drink like "normal" people. There is never enough, it's just a question of when I can start. But I am tired of feeling like I don't have control, of feeling like I'm hiding from everyone, from the world. I think I can be better. If I keep trying maybe I'll really believe I can be.